I was born in '67. At the time my father was an alcoholic, and though he was a brawler, he never abused my mother or myself. When I was about 2 or so, he got saved through the witness of a christian friend, and overnight, my dad became a different man, a 180 degree turn from his former life. In one day he stopped drinking, stopped drugging, stopped brawling, stopped anything he felt was unpleasing to God. It was a drastic change for all of us, including my mom, who followed my dad and accepted Jesus into her life three weeks later. Within a year my dad was enrolled in God's Bible School in Cincinnati, a very conservative, very strict school. He ate up everything that had to with God, like it replaced alcohol or something, and maybe it did. I've often thought he went from one addiction to another. Why? Well, he was very strict for one. I wasn't allowed to play outside on Sundays, I was required to attend every service and all events having to do with church, he didn't allow a TV in the home (until I was 11 and he mellowed a bit and also explains my love for music and words since all I did was read and listen to the radio, so today I'm glad for no TV in those days), and I was punished for any infraction he deemed sinful. Within a year we moved to Cincinnati where this greenhorn new christian pastored his first church. I don't remember seeing him much during my boyhood years except he always seemed to be around when I needed discipline (which was often),  but with his ministry, schooling, and driving and hour each way to work a third shift job in Dayton, I came to understand in later years he was doing what God had called him to do and supporting his family the best way he knew how. I never once blamed him for not being around when I was a kid, though I do recall the hurt of him missing my sporting events, school presentations, and the general idea of the ideal father-son relationship. But that was years ago. Thankfully today my father is my best friend, I can go to him about anything and he has stood by me through all of my failings with unwavering support despite the hurt I certainly have caused him with my sinful wanderings over the years.

I have followed in his footsteps in my own life, though not in a good way. I have been an alcoholic, drug addict, philanderer, thief, violent, and the list goes on. He and I have often spoken of how mirrored our lives are, how I, out of the three sons, am most like him. This means much to me, for I love him dearly, and aspire to walk close with the Lord as he has for over 40 years now. He's not the same man he was back then, and his approach to the presentation of the gospel has changed over the years as he has aged and grown in the Lord. His messages, though still tinged with the discipline of the christian walk, are intertwined more and more with the love and forgiveness of God as opposed to the punishment of sins and wrath of God.

But I recall many times sitting under his preaching, during an altar call (which could go on and on forever it seemed and sometimes did) and hearing him say, "You might be ignoring the Spirits moving for you to come and kneel down, walk out of these church doors today, get hit by a car and go to hell." This used to scare me to death well into my young adult years before I stopped going to church. I heard the same things from evangelists who came to hold revivals, though maybe in different words. So my fear of hell became the driving force behind my going to the altar, of trying to be a christian. I was scared of God. No wonder it never worked.

Those of you who have read my last entry, I forgot to add something I learned or maybe I was waiting for the right time to express it. When I prayed that day and the Lord stepped in and covered my heart and mind in His peace as I was driving to work, I thought, this must be what Heaven is like. No worries, no troubles, no concerns, no mental illness, no physical illness, no worrying about the cares of the day. And though I haven't thought about the hell thing for a long time, I realized in that moment that making it to Heaven is what I truly long for, the goal I aspire to, the reason I am trying my best to live as the Lord would have me live. What a great revelation to my heart to know that there is a place where one day, if I remain faithful, I will live in peace everyday, rejoicing with the saints and those gone on before, and live in the midst of the One who has saved my life from sure destruction.

I am no longer afraid.  

I don't have to fear life after death after all.