This upcoming January 1,2009 will mark 4 years since my ex-wife and I got back together. Well, it was more like I had nowhere to go after eviction, all my money taken up by alcohol, drugs and various other vanities. She always told me I had a place to come if ever I found myself in a spot, and without telling the whole story of this certain spot, which would be long in the tooth, she also told me I could stay as long as I wanted with no pressure to reunite with her or any long term plans. For the first couple years we lived as friends as I struggled with my addictions and the mess my life had become and been for years.

It was good to be in a place where I felt safe, unpressured, and with my daughter again, to whom I had not been the best of fathers. It was an adjustment for all of us. At whatever point I don't recall, but Joyce (ex and soon to be wife again) found ourselves in a conversation about becoming a couple again. For years I had chased the elusive nature of love, and didn't believe in it anymore as I had come to understand it (I still don't). But I knew the person sitting beside me had been my best friend for years even though I didn't always recognize it, one who knew me better than anyone, one who would love me forever and always had, one who would never leave my side. It was through her eyes I saw what love really means, and from that day, in my heart I have tried to emulate her example. I am by nature a selfish prick, so it was and is still a struggle to put others before myself, but baby steps and one day at a time have steered me in the right direction. I'm a better man today than I was then.

And for me to say that about myself is a big deal.

However, as an addict, my biggest daily struggle is not as a father and husband, but to stay clean. The lurking scent of the streets and alleys I used to roam, the quick fixes they offered, still sit on my shoulders sometimes with talons in my flesh, trying to pull me back in. It is a war I wage every day. Part of my motivation in staying clean has been my desire at the age of 40 to finally be a real man, a real father, a real husband, a good son, a faithful brother. My family has played the biggest role in helping me keep my sobriety and sanity.

As previously mentioned in a post a few days ago, my wife and daughter are leaving for Florida for ten days this coming Thursday. This will leave me with the solitude I so love, but also leave me with a horde of temptations to deal with. I could allow the pointed poisonous claws of the streets to take me to places I know I should not go, and the longing will be tremendous because I will be alone, and I could revert to the old me for that "quick fix" without anyone knowing, without anyone for accountability.

With this in mind, I've set up a series of plans of accountability for the time the girls are away. My 2 brothers are going to be checking me with phone calls and visits, and as much as I'd like to think I'm so devious sometimes, I cannot fool them, they know me too well. They will see right through any diversion from the good path I am on now. I have a couple of home projects planned to keep me busy, and of course knowing I have to be at work every day will help, not just for the paycheck, but the security of employment, for if I were to slip into the welcoming arms of addictions pleasure, I could also lose my job. I've even taken a step I never thought I'd take and asked Joyce to call me every night while she is away and ask me a series of questions that require my honesty in what I'm doing with my time. For me, giving this kind of control to someone has never been an option, but in my quest to stay on this road to soul freedom, health and wellness of being, I've given up control. Let's see how it goes eh?

In conclusion, my main reason for writing such a long entry is to reach out once again. I ask you, my mindsay family, to keep me in your thoughts and prayers during this time. I don't care what religion you are, what name you give God, how you worship, how you pray, or whether or not you attend a church, synagogue, temple, or simply keep your faith a personal thing.

I ask for your prayers. I ask for your good thoughts. I need you.

I want to be the man I was meant to be. Now I'm on my way, I don't want anything to change. I've discovered it's much better here.

Love and Peace.